As the worm turns

My dad used to think I was valuable. He stuck up for me when my mom wanted to spank me. he taught me important stuff like how to clean a chicken. (And I don't mean dry clean.) After the divorce, he bought me clothes my mom couldn't afford, like a leather coat. I think I was the only kid in high school with a full-length leather coat. Man, that sucker was heavy! He told me never to respond to a honked horn at the curb, but to expect the young man to come to the door for me. He held my hand leaving the theatre so I wouldn't get stolen or lost, or afraid. Dad taught me important things like, listen to what a person has to say, then do what you know is right; respect Nanna and Gramps, they're old and they love you; look to the left so you won't be blinded by the oncoming guys headlights. He also taught Suzy (the dog) to sing and Venus (the cat) to fetch a rubber sink plug. He encouraged me to eat moose tongue and pickled herring. These are important things, because to this day, I'll eat anything edible and enjoy it. Somehow Dad got me to be unafraid of everything. I camp in a tent 3 miles from anyone, near a game trail, and am not afraid. I apply for jobs in 4 provinces and am not afraid. I drive fast. I climb tall trees (I'm 50 by the way). I eat smoked eel. I enter crowded rooms and exit only slightly scathed (emotionally!). My dad told me to look in the mirror every day and tell myself, I'm a good person. That's really, really hard. What happened? For my 50th birthday, my dad sent me "free" gifts of several cards and some sheets of wrapping paper, which he rec'd upon donating to a charity. I've looked forward to my 50th birthday for 5 years. I plan to have a party with cake for some new friends and new neighbors, near the home I"ve only lived in for a year. Which is something like 3500km from my dad. He won't come to visit. I guess I'm supposed to feel good that he remembered my birthday. For which, once upon a time, he was grateful. I guess now, it's more like...disappointment? Either way, I wonder if I really deserve this.